The portapottie (port-a-pottie? port-a pottie? port-a potty? wtf ever) disaster I participated in today (I say “participated” because, frankly, even if you’re in it alone, it’s a group activity) was wetter than my vagina while watching Jude Law wield a hacksaw in Repo Men. Call me crazy, but you don’t want to sit on that, right? I mean, Jude Law, yes, but a wet-from-Jude-Law-portapottie, no.
Ladies, here are effective steps to take at any music festival or redneck wedding to prevent procuring an STD from a public restroom facility (sorry bros–I’m less intimate with your portapottie experience):
1) DON’T PEE IN A PORTAPOTTIE. If this is not an option, proceed to step 2.
2) Wipe down the seat (preferably utilizing rubber gloves). Wipe it down with the poor excuse for toilet paper that the portapottie company has so graciously provided you. THEN WIPE IT DOWN WITH ALCOHOL. I don’t care if you’re at a music festival and it’s a $10 beer that would normally be $2. WIPE THAT SHIT DOWN.
3) Place toilet paper on the toilet seat. The goal here is to effectively prevent your buttocks from actually making contact with the seat.
4) Pee. Or poop, but seriously, only if you have to.
5) While relieving yourself, consider the people who are paid to remove urine (etc.) from portapotties.
6) If you’re religious, please pray for these poor souls.
7) Don’t bother wiping. You’re already contaminated.
8) Once you sober up from your music festival/redneck wedding, make an appointment with your gyno. You can send me a thank-you in the form of cash, check, or ABC store gift card.
FUCK PORTAPOTTIES, CAN I GET AN AMEN?